lol, i think you guys will like this:
one of the first recognized female composers in the renaissance dedicated her "First Book of Madrigals" to a certain duchess, and "to expose to the world, insofar as it is given me to do so in the profession of music, the vain error of men who esteem themselves such masters of high intellectual gifts that they think women cannot share them too."

feminism in 1568! lawl.

my boy won't call when i ask him to. i know he enjoys it when he does, and is just generally lazy and irresponsible, but of course i don't like this. i miss him, i love him, he's too far away and i won't see him for another three months. of course i'd like to talk to him and hear from him. i get very little as it is, since now that i'm in classes practically all day, every day, i can barely text him, let alone talk to him on msn, and he works too. argh blargh. those little insecure voices in my head are saying "you two did talk about Not doing long distance at all, maybe he's trying to make you let go, maybe he doesn't want this". i wish i could just hear from him to make that go away, or at least have him confirm one way or the other.

the insecurities. again this year, i'm having a problem with myself and how hard it is for me to make friends. i hate the process, am not self confident or secure or straightforward or anything enough to just put myself out there to see if people like me. most of the time i assume i'm not wanted. which i know, is not exactly the best attitude i could take towards it, but i can't help it. it's just the way i'm built. i've never been good at this, and as much as i've wanted to make friends, never knew how to actually do it. this leads to me being terribly dissatisfied with myself half the time, especially on days like today when the few friends i do have on campus all make plans with other people. three times today i was excluded; once right in front of me. it was awesome. so of course, when i get upset and angsty about that, i go back to being angsty and upset with myself for not having the guts to make friends, for knowing so few people.

and speaking of friends. much as i love my roommate, she was one of the ones to exclude me today. she's making more friends faster than i did, faster than i ever have. and when do i get to spend time with her? never. we eat meals together Sometimes, talk Occasionally, and have actually hung out all of Once. we went to a floor crawl in my old res last weekend, got tipsy, danced a lot, had tons of fun. but of course, she had too much, had the most wicked hangover i've seen, and decides to be all responsible and give up booze again. so looks like the only avenue of fun i've had with my own damn roommate has gone right out the window. you know what we do when we're both home? sit in our rooms, on our individual laptops. given, up til now, there hasn't been anything else to do around here. but it sucks. she closes her door. i'm finally living with someone i like, and i'm practically shut out. we said we'd watch a certain tv premiere together; it got delayed because the cable people fucked up. she watched it alone in her room, closed the door against me. she goes out with these friends, has never once invited me to go with her. i want to spend time with my friend! that's why i wanted this! but we're just two separate amicable people living as roommates... i don't know what to do. it just sucks. i wouldn't try to control her social life, but man. i found her this place. i wanted to live with her. it'd be nice if she wanted to live with me too.

...on the bright side, my voice studies are looking up? i'm getting back into the rhythm of school, getting a little more organized and my voice is shaping up to really have improved since last year. i'm very happy with that. i hope it continues like that. last year was tough for me for being organized at all and being disciplined enough to practice and keep myself working on homework and various important projects. i'm learning what this semester will have to take, and i'm setting more deadlines for myself with voice etc to hopefully get my rear in gear. i have to remember that this is what i'm here for; it's not just school and classes, it's my choice and my studies. i do want to ace this.

Signs of Growing Up:
-living in my own place
-having my driver's license
-being allowed to stay over at my boyfriend's before i left
-my classmates now work in the campus library instead of getting lost in it
-considering not going home next summer.
-having a casual drink with family members at a get together
---being bought booze by my MOTHER. WAT.
-having to choose which cable package to order

this is getting endlessly weird. i *love* it. i love being out here on my own. but it's a little bit of a culture shock, too. especially the tv thing. i'm used to taking care of myself from res last year, like i'll clean up my room and recycle properly and get myself to class and everything. but now i have to lock my door before i leave, take time preparing my dinner, wash all my freaking dishes (loving food = big messes), deal with a landlord, and order cable. aaahhh. and i just hung pictures for the first time. wtf. where are my teenage years going? i'm still too young to drink, and i'm advancing faster than half the people i know. it's insane.

i'll write another tl;dr post later about the move and the new place, and i'll post pictures with it. =]

so my boy wants to join the army. he doesn't know when he'll do it or if he'll really go through with it, but it's sounding like a better and better alternative to him. he says it'll pay for college so he can do anything, he says it'll get him in shape, he says he wants to do something good for his country, he says he wants to see if he can do it, withstand the training. this is something i can't bear. i know i'm going to be leaving him soon, both of my choice and not, but this is something my heart can't take. this happens to me over and over. he is the fourth one to steal my heart and later commit it to someone else's dream. it breaks my heart and terrifies me. i've seen how boys and men change through their training and indoctrination into the culture of "yessir, i am better than you because i can kick your ass and clean a rifle." i have seen too many lose their humanity and politeness and their manners when they enter into this armed forces lifestyle of arrogance and condescension and bullying. you because i can kick your ass and i can clean a rifle." it becomes their dignity and their ego and their view of the world is skewed through their night goggles. i can't see, cannot understand at all what is so goddamn appealing about fighting a false war that our country is not even waging. there is nothing glorious about soldiers dead for a cause that isn't theirs.  there is no glory in war and the death of others, no glory in their changed demeanors, nothing wonderful in the families back home who weep and are broken at the news of their fallen loved ones. broken not only if they fall, but if they continue. there is nothing glorious to girls waiting for their men, always waiting; waiting for the boy to come back from summer training, waiting to find out whether he's going back again, waiting to find out whether he's coming back at all, women waiting long months with the children while their men are working "for their families" but truly for their masters, their generals. there is so much wrong with this for me. yes, part of it is selfish. but the fight is always for the morals or private gain of some anonymous other. there is no need to defend our homeland. i find no heroism in wanting to pick up a weapon. i cannot see what there is to be proud of in a life that honours violence above all else. he says he wants to do something for our country, he wants to do good for people. if you want to do good, if you want to make change, get into politics or be a fucking activist. it breaks my heart. to lose him to this lifestyle, whether just as he is now or lose him altogether would crush me. i will not be an army girlfriend, much as he might need my support. i could not do it. it is almost lucky that his epiphany comes so close to my leaving for school. i don't have to face it much longer.

www.goldinuniverse.com
My profile says...

You are striving for a life full of activity and experience and, perhaps even more, an environment where you would be able to forge a close bond with a person who can offer full emotional fulfilment.

You are working extremely hard trying to improve your image in the eyes of others. You are looking for acknowledgement from your peers and those who come into your sphere of influence. You want to be liked, not for what people think of you but for what you really are.

You are prepared to establish a particular relationship that is being made available to you at this time. It could be a satisfactory liaison but there could be a certain amount of conflict involved -try to avoid direct confrontation at all costs. - could apply to three different people. hell, maybe even four.

Setback after setback has resulted in considerable stress and now you have got to the stage where you are continuously on your guard, not only to protect yourself from others but to protect yourself from yourself. It would seem that many of your unfulfilled hopes and dreams have led to uncertainty and suspicion. You no longer wish to answer to others and you are insisting on freedom of thought. You feel that you are fully self-sufficient and can control your own destiny. You are seeking ways to protect yourself from further loss of prestige and against further setbacks. You have become very dependent and you doubt that matters could possibly get any better in the immediate future and this negative attitude is leading you to exaggerate your claims and to refuse reasonable compromise.

You don't like authority and you rebel against all forms of limitation. You are your own person and you intend to stay that way and to get on in the world simply by your hard work and determination.

yeah, in general, i think i like this. it kind of surprised me what came up... but yeah. surprising how accurate the choosing of colours turned out to be.

tonight i just feel so good. :) i felt pretty today, i love my hair still, i have plans coming up with my friends, i could see fireworks from my window, earlier i could hear thunder, and now i can smell rain. my bed is comfortable, i have nice clothes, freedom, and a nice boy. and goddamn am i ever excited for my apartment in a month.

it's all i can think about these days. today i was in Winners with my mother and sister, and all i wanted to do was wander the housewares section to ogle things and dream. there were a lot of things i wanted... a tall wooden end table with many drawers that had been painted a beautiful green; it had dark iron flowery detailing. there were throw pillows, dozens to choose from, and throw blankets that were fuzzy and velvety and wonderful to the touch. a little red teapot. mugs. paintings (or reproductions perhaps. blown-up images on canvas) of adorable fifties ladies. closet organizers. chairs! velvety suede high-backed skinny chairs in different colours and patterns. ottomans. everything. =( tessa sad. i cannot wait to have the money to properly adorn my house with many charming un-matched odds and ends that are each beautiful in their own right. this year my dreams will have to wait; even if i get a job, i'll probably have to make do with my few posters and possibly a few fridge magnets, and the hand-me-down furniture that i'm so gratefully receiving. my aunt is donating way more stuff than i was expecting, and basically all my cutlery and dishes and kitchenware are coming from my parents; apparently they have boxes and boxes of old stuff i've never even Seen that they've been keeping for useful occasions like this. i don't know what, if anything, we'll actually buy new haha.

regardless of the material side of this venture, i am terribly excited for the personal side. it's going to be so wonderful to be back out on my own, but this time in a place that's really and truly mine, that i can decorate and mess up and customize and make lived-in. i'm going to have freedom and independence and a fantastic roommate who i've known for years and who has a similar degree of desire for solitude as i do, so neither of us will feel ditched. =] god, i'm so excited. much as i love my family, it's definitely time to get going back out into the world. as Rocky Horror so succinctly put it, "i've tasted blood and i want more." those eight months were wonderful, and it was bizarre and uncomfortable and unhappy-making to have to move back into the world of "yes mom no dad i'll be home by twelve thirty may i take the car please can i borrow some money yes i'll clean up the kitchen for you." i love my family, i do, and i'll miss them. but it's definitely time now. augh, just thinking about it. making cookies at midnight; why not? calling a friend over afterwards at one am to share them; heck, sure! having a drink or two just sitting around in my living room; yes i can! god, i'm so excited. j00 c4nno7 imagin3.

lawl, in texts with Steve, it was mentioned that Kyle and a friend of his are at the strippers tonight. we started talking casually about it. he's been several times, to both places in town. i don't care too much about this, in all honesty, it just plain amuses me. they're male, they like boobs, oh no, they're looking at some! haha. i know, the issue of strippers can be touted as demeaning or empowering to women, but that's not something i'm entirely concerned with at the moment, because the part that always comes up is that oh look, my guy friends are going to look at tits again, har har. it's just so male of them. the masculine obsession with boobs has Always amused me, probably because i'm not attracted to them, but still. one look and they turn into giggling/drooling fools. it's silly. regardless of all this, though, i do intend to visit one of these places once i'm of age. it's sort of a coming of age thing in my town, pretty much everybody i know got taken for their nineteenth birthday. i am pretty curious; i'm sure all strip joints are not quite as they're shown on tv.

man, i've been writing a lot in here. probably because i haven't done any writing at all in a long time. so this is kind of nice. i've definitely felt the urge far more lately to take pen to paper. surprisingly also to draw, which is weird for me. i've never considered myself any kind of artist. but hey, i guess we'll see if that little betty-boop-ish curvy rockabilly pinup lady in my head comes out in my notebook one of these days. =]

thanks and good on you to whoever actually read this whole damn thing! heehee.
until the next time! 
<3, T.

so it's been... a long time. i stopped posting because the only thing i talked about was kyle, and i couldn't bear to update on that situation afterwards, couldn't bear to rehash it over and over. basically it went to shit, the girlfriend was still in the picture, my fault for being blissfully ignorant, his fault for being an ass, all in all a total fuckup that left me a little bit broken for a little too long. it's still awkward for me sometimes to see them together or remember, but somehow we're becoming friends again... and i don't mean i can amicably bear his presence, i've been doing that for a while. the part where i might actually let him in again to some degree is starting to happen. i'm not sure what i think about that... we'll see.

anyways! real life things! school was hard, but it was really good. i can't wait to go back. in january a friend of mine from Edmonton whom (proper usage?) i hadn't seen for two years almost to the day visited me there for my birthday, for a four day weekend. in june she (Jamie) made an abrupt decision and applied to my school; in four days she was accepted, in four more i was driving down to Nova Scotia with my father to search for an apartment for she and i to share. in two days of searching, we found a place and in two more, i was home. both of our lives had drastically changed in a process of about two weeks. family of mine has been supplying various pieces of furniture; it's been easier than we thought to fill the place. we're both so excited. we can barely wait to get out of our respective houses and into a place of our own. we want the freedom and the privacy and the pride of ownership. me, i can't wait to get back there. i *love* Acadia, and the town, and my friends, and the whole damn province, and i can't wait to share it all with her.

i'm sort of back with steve. it was a messy summer of just fooling around because i didn't want to commit to anything... which is unusual for me, but makes sense when you take into account how badly my last two attempts at love fucked up. but then it changed back, a little, and i do want the affectionate stuff from him. i like being his girl, i like him being my guy... and yet i know that this time, when i leave for school, i'll actually move on. i have to. it's been a really long time of holding on to him because he makes me happy, makes me feel good, and is a fairly safe choice. but he's not as mature as i am by far, and is content to stay exactly where he is, a 20-year-old boy for the rest of his life. that's not something i want. i deserve to move on and find someone better for me, too. it's been a long time since i've found someone new and exciting, seen something i can get excited about, or had a first kiss. i'm old enough, and i'm going to have the independence to treat it any way i'd like. i'm so hoping to find someone new this year, even if i don't really fall for him, even if it's just a learning experience. i could use one of those.

other, less drastic changes/news:
i finally got new glasses in december; rectangular dark red frames with metallic purple earpieces. =]
i bought some new clothes.
i successfully re-auditioned for BMus.
i got my driver's license.
i can handle my liquor.
i had a trip to Edmonton in July, really loved it.
i got a new phone for my birthday.
i chopped off my hair, got a newer, snazzier cut, stuck red in it. (pictures are on le facebook. i'll post them here by request.)
my sense of humour is as bad as ever.

i went speed dating in the spring, had my first ever non-relationship "first date". it was fun, but no spark.
i'm addicted to a few tv shows now, thanks to my dear friend William... tool haha. Supernatural, Desperate Housewives, House, and Heroes.

plans/hopes/wishes:
keep up the red in my hair, or put more in it.
get a helix piercing. if i can handle that, i'll move on to more.
get a job at school; *try* to pay for my own groceries/apartment. at least become partially financially independent.
maintain summer self-image.
keep taking care of self.
nurture backbone; like self more because of said backbone.
find a boy?
keep ogling Sean. aauuuugh om fucking nom. that'll be a rantpost of its own haha.
get a fish to keep in my apartment.
keep plants in my apartment (basil, dill for cooking. possibly an orchid.)

any questions, laydeez? whoever's reading. i'll try to post more from now on. that'll be one of the goals. if there's some aspect of my life that i've left out and you'd like to hear about, ask away.

much love, T. ♥♥♥


ETA: Olivia Wilde aka Thirteen, om nom nom nom nom. she is unfairly gorgeous.
also, i reconnected with a friend from elementary school tonight via facebook. :) it was really, really nice. she remembers me quite fondly... that really touched my heart.

my friend Will reminded me how delightful it is to listen to Mika's bubblegum wonderfulness. =) i am a happy camper.

BIG GIRLS, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

01. Think of the first word that comes to mind when you think of me.
02. Go to Google Images and search for that word.
03. Reply to this post with one of the pictures on the first page of results.
04. Put this in your own journal so that I can do the same.

having kissy dreams about three different boys almost three nights in a row is a little bizarre. i only know where one of the dreams came from. my subconscious confuses me.

Life of the Party from The Wild Party is a FANTASTIC song. it's wonderful for cheering oneself up. i just belted it out and made up a mini-routine to it in my tiny res room, and now i feel good. oh, also! If You Hadn't But You Did, although i don't know what musical that's from... i just know Kristen Chenoweth did it, and it's fantastic fun, but hella tricky on the diction. i recommend both of them. =D

so, as much as choir is brilliant, it hurts my throat. =( tonight we had to do crazy staccato on a C# when my voice was already only mediocre, and i hit the notes too hard or something, and burst into this crazy coughing fit, almost as loud as the rest of my section singing. people laughed and were sympathetic, and it Was a little funny. but then after that, my voice was pretty much shot, and gone sore. so i'm hoping i'll be able to sing tomorrow for my first Performance Class! yikes. performance class is where all of my voice teacher's students perform something weekly for stage practice and constructive peer criticism. siiigh. tomorrow's the busy, sucky day. >.< and then i get to write a Document Analysis essay tomorrow night. ah, homework... how you take up my otherwise valuable lazing time.

http://www.sendspace.com/file/r91ej0

my new schedule! if you feel like bothering. lol.

     so i've discovered that tuesdays are going to be shit for me. like, all year. augh. i start off with an 8:30-10:00 English class (in the BAC, for emily who knows the layout of campus), i have a half hour break to rush back to my room in Chase, at the top of the hill, and grab two binders, a text, and my laptop, eat, and get back down the hill to Denton for a performance class at 10:30. that's basically a weekly showcase/workshop for the students of my voice teacher, Paula Rockwell. so far she seems pretty cool. that goes til twelve, and at twelve Scene Studies starts, in the same room, thankfully, and with the same teacher. that goes through til one thirty, when i walk about ten paces to the left into Music and Society for another hour and a half. then at three, i'm finally done, and get to lug my huge bag back up the hill into Chase. YAY. so to recap, that's from 10:30 to 3:00. le sigh. it's worth it though. i'm liking all these classes. even english, despite its being at 8:30 in the morning. yech. >.< my teacher's an old, rambling, welsh guy, and the novels we're supposed to read are a varied and interesting selection. =) currently it's Margaret Atwood's Oryx and Crake, which is turning out to be pretty interesting.
     i have to go into town for a few things, so i'll see if i can post my full schedule up here when i get back... did i mention i've overloaded my courses? yikes. i didn't know quite what i was getting into. but at least i'm enjoying myself. =) and i'm liking living in the town, too! it's a small place, but i love campus and how everything is so accessible. i'll have to do a little more exploring one of these weekends, i hear there's a secondhand bookstore, and a secondhand clothing store, both of which i'm very intrigued by. i also have to get down to halifax and dartmouth to see my family... hm. ah well. think about that later! must go buy juice...

formal tonight! or at least, i hope so, because the weather's turning crappy in anticipation of the tropical storm ready to hit nova scotia. i really, really hope it's not cancelled. i'm dying to wear my grand purple dress. *crosses fingers*

sigh. i'm staying up, but i know he's not going to call like he said. he's out with his friends and all drunk and silly. and i don't care, i'm glad he's having a good time. i wish i could be there. but he's Totally not going to call. =( i should've just gone to sleep.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=hKHysOO1Mes
Ur So Gay - Katy Perry
yay! you should watch it! it's clever and snarky and full of make-fun-of-you goodness. AND THE END IS HILARIOUS. XD I LOLLED SO MUCH.

this katy perry person is stealing my heart. she also did I Kissed A Girl, which i'm loving rocking out to. i'll give that to you too.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=NoKPi8xtyjA&feature=user

and i'm spreading more music love! you should download and listen to A Fine Frenzy's album One Cell in the Sea. A Fine Frenzy is one girl named Alison Sudol, she's twentytwo. it's BRILLIANT STUFF. and beautiful. and delicate. an album full of impassioned, cute, and/or saddening love songs. it's wonderful. and so here's that...
http://www.sendspace.com/file/jfkklh


that's about all i've got for now. when it's not 1:30am i'll actually talk about something. much love!

THERE WERE TINY METAL SCREWS INSIDE MY STRAWBERRY. THREE OF THEM.

?!?!?!

we bought four packs of strawberries from the grocery store. they're all large (and by large i mean ginormous) and perfectly red and ripe and gorgeous and delicious. i eat one or two for lunch, but then i start chewing this one and there's tiny hard things in my mouth all of a sudden. i thought i'd chipped a tooth somehow and missed it. BUT NO! THERE WERE SCREWS INSIDE MY STRAWBERRY. WHAT THE FUCK.  

when i'm having serious trouble with something, i don't need to hear what i already know; that it's bad that i'm having trouble with it.

i have a six page essay due second period tomorrow. i have about two and a half pages. my mom says, "well, all i know is that you haven't been managing your time very well." this one girl says to me, "wow, tessa, why'd you leave it to the last minute??"

yeah, thanks guys, just what i need to hear...

I KNOW THAT MUCH ALREADY. obviously i'm having problems. obviously i'm frustrated. it's really, Really not going to make it any easier for me to point out the Flaws in what i'm doing. so i screwed myself. yeah. that much i know. STOP TELLING ME.



... =(